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At first when we met I thought to myself this guy is okay but not my type, we started up a conversation and I began to feel at ease, we were at a barbecue and a mutual aquaintance had introduced us , although not to my knowledge it was kinda of a blind date, we just talked about so many things that it turned out I ended up thinking to myself he is a pretty nice guy, we exchanged phone numbers and he said he would call me next time he was in town, it turns out he was from the Bay arera, he had only been living there for about a year after returning from the east Coast after ending his career with the Army Special Forces and his first marriage. We continued to see each other, whenever he come into town, he was such a gentleman and was so polite, needless to say he wined and dined me throughout the next few months, and of course he would call throughout the week. On one of his visits to Fresno we were out on a date when he proposed, I been dealing with the loss of my mother and my two best friends from childhood who had just passed away, in fact 6 weeks apart I had divorced my husband two years earlier, I was not in love with Johnny but out of desperation of dealing with this demon of depression I thought maybe this is the change I need to get out of this hell that I felt in my in soul, needless to say I accepted his proposal. We were married shortly, a simple civil ceremony. He bought me my 1st Diamond ring I was 40 years of age, prior to this marriage I been in a very abusive relationship, he was an alcoholic and verbally and physically abusive so I was looking forward to being married to a man who was willing to be the head of the household and take on those responsibilities, I grew to Love Johnny in time and we bought a new home and he was always very attentive but I was not aware he suffered from PTSD and after a few months I began to notice some changes in him He would become distant and isolated, he shared some thoughts with me and some of what he had expierenced. We'll it turned out he was on medications but had stopped taking them, he said it made him feel numb and he did not like that. Johnny was a good man but eventually his illness began to get the best of him. I tried to understand and even went with him to therapy and support groups. As time went by he worsen and he would act strange I began to get an uneasy feeling but what really frighten me was one day after a couple of years of marriage I came across a suitcase of his personal beloning that he had left on our bed open and I could see a slight image of a photo of a dead body so my curiosty got the best of me and I lifted the photo out and to my disbelief there were several photos of dead bodies, well I just had to know where and why he had them so when he returned from the store I asked him. He was not upset that I seen them and asked me what was the big deal at least he stated "I only collected photos there are other guys who collect fingers or ears " and I asked what do you mean? We'll he stated you know other guys in the service collect those other things I just took photos all of a sudden I became overwhelmed with a feeling of uneasiness and reality began to sink in that I really did not know my husband and how deep his mental issues were. I let it go for fear of not wanting or not knowing how he may react. Although from that day I became having an uneasy feeling although I tried not showing it to him. As weeks went by and then months Johnny mental health began to worsen and eventually after 7 years we seperated. I feel so sad for him because I had a glimpse of the kind of a gentle person he was and could be, but sadly to say the illness was stronger than him. After our divorce we spoke once and he shared he was going to buy his own home, which eventually he did but according to his family Johnny became very isolated and I was told he never did remarry or live with any other woman in fact his brother shared with me that as far as they knew he had never dated any one after our divorce, I thought how sad beacuse neither have I. Well one day about a year ago and three years after our divoce I was informed that his neighbors had noticed they had not seen him in a few days, although his vehicles were in the driveway and since he lived alone they became worried so the neighbors called the police. When the police arrived they knocked furiously on the door and windows, when no one would answer they broke the door in and to their surprise they found his body in a decomposing stage, apparently he been dead for approximately 9-11 days. Although we were divorced my heart aches for him and his pain, the thought that he died alone and laid there dead for so long with no one missing his absences brings me such intense pain. I have no one to share my pain with so I mourn for him alone. I go to his graveside and put a flag and flowers on his headstone whenever I go. I am not able to go often since he is buried about an hour away from Fresno, Johnny was always so proud of his Service to our Country but although he did not die in combat he lost the man he would of been capable of being, he lost his mental stability, there are so many different sacrifices and losses our militay persons sustain not just the loss of life. So I blog here to share my pain and to mourn my Johnny. I ask myself why our journeys crossed although I will never know. Johnny gave me his dog tags and medals he receieved during his service time, there are times I cry my soul out and hold those medals close to my heart, he was so proud of them. May you rest in Peace my Johnny. I will never forget you! You are always
in the deepest part of my heart.

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Comment by Lonely on October 29, 2009 at 10:53am
Thank you SIN congratulations on your road to a new life journey.
Comment by SIN on October 24, 2009 at 10:05am
This is really sad, another reason why I hate war so much. These men live with the most horrible of memories. I am sure it is so difficult for them, I can not imagine. is a very real condition and can be such an awful experience for the family members as well.
I am glad you loved. You know what they say about that, and thanks for sharing this, I know it was not easy.

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